The truth about marriage, the skills needed for team stay together

To be in a successful marriage takes a particular set of skills. The list of skills run far and wide. Some of us are able to learn, adapt and apply these skills easier than others. Some of us have to be hog tied and gagged in order to understand the skill involved. Either way, anybody who thinks that marriage will be so simple is in denial. Marriage is work, but it's worth it. Here are just a few skills needed to stay on #Team Stay Together.

Communication- I can't say this enough. There are way too many ways to get your point across in today's day and age for there to be any confusion about how your spouse feels. Whether you say it, text it, email it, DM it, or write it subliminally in a post (although I don't recommend it), you better say how you feel when you feel it. There is nothing worse than letting everything build up and then the next thing you know, somebody gets put out over french fries. It can happen- true story.

Patience- It definitely is a virtue. Being able to show kindness while waiting on your partner is a true sign of love. It is not easy and it is a very valued skill in any relationship. Showing a great level of patience pays off in the end, and it shows your partner that they are worth waiting for.

Integrity- Why lie? Why be someone who I can't trust or count on? Really? I don't understand why grown people choose to lie, or tell half truths when they know they are going to get found out anyway. The tripped out part is that most times, if someone asks you a question straight out, they already know the truth. They are just trying to see how far you will go to keep it from them. So the first rule should be to not do anything that you need to lie about in the first place, but if you do, the second rule is to be honest, admit your wrong and try to work it out with your partner.

Sense of humor- They say that laughter is the best medicine, and that is definitely true when it comes to marriage. Laughing makes you feel good and it creates a bond between people. You want to aim to have the type of relationship that you can laugh about the argument the next day instead of getting mad about it all over again.

Positive Attitude- Who wants to be married to a Negative Nancy? Nobody. You want to be the type of spouse that can look to the bright side of any situation, someone who can motivate and uplift. And someone who is not considered a spirit killer. 

Confidence- We all have insecurities, but they have no place being in the forefront of marriage. You have to be able to exude confidence even when it's not an easy thing to do. Having confidence in yourself, confidence in your spouse and confidence in your marriage will help you along the way. 

Thick Skin- Conflict in a marriage is inevitable. Sometimes during conflict, things are done or said that may hurt your feelings. You have to believe that your spouses intentions were not to hurt you, so being overly sensitive will not help. 

Problem Solver- Problems come in many different shapes and sizes. Some are easy to solve and some seem to be irreparable. But, no matter the size of your situation you have to put your problem solver skills to the test daily from figuring out what's for dinner to figuring out how to pay all the bills on time and still have some left over for date night. You can make any challenge look like a quick fix when you are a natural at problem solving.

Unconditional Love- This should be a given, but often times people don't realize the depths of this type of love. Unconditional love means loving someone despite their flaws, despite them getting on your last natural nerve, despite them buying you the perfect anniversary gift. It means loving someone beyond the conditions you have unconsciously set up in your mind. That kind of love can get you through the hard times and it can make the work and struggle of marriage a little easier to bare.

So, now that you have been given some of the important skills needed to have a successful marriage, take them, work on them and actually use them to make your marriage work...good luck.

 

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,

Rhonda

10 ways to raise independent children

It seems like every time I look at my children, they have grown somehow. Their shoes are too tight or jeans are either too long to be capris or too short to be pants. That lets me know that the inevitable is happening and they are growing up on me. As hard as it is too accept the fact that my babies are growing up, my husband and I have to do our duty and raise them in a way that will prepare them for adulthood. For me, that's making sure that they are able to make good, sound decisions.

So here are 10 ways to raise independent children.

1. Give them choices. My children pick out their clothes everyday. Now, I might give them guidelines or veto an outfit due to size, clashing colors or just "no" reasons, but I let them express themselves thru their choice of clothing.

2. Let them make their own lunches. I used to make the best lunches for my kids. There would be a protein, some fruit, veggies, a healthy snack and a fruit drink. My lunches were so bomb that I would get complements from their teachers- no lie- about how great they were and other parents should use me as an example. But, as good as they looked when I sent them to school, they would come back barely eaten when the kids got home. They didn't eat them, so I felt they would appreciate it more, or at least eat more if they made their lunch themselves.

3. Make them clean their own rooms. While I usually do a deep spring and fall cleaning of my kids room to get rid of old toys and clothes, they clean their own rooms majority of the time, including vacuuming and wiping the mirrors down.

4. Spend time with them. We have a family game night or movie night at least once a month. Right now our favorite game is Jenga Throw and Go, but our last movie night watching the latest Lego Movie ended with us all falling asleep. We saw Boss Baby at the theater, that was good though.

5. Be honest with them. I never want to give my kids the impression that they can't come to me for the truth. Even if I feel that a conversation is not age appropriate, I will let them know. I just tell them that they are not the right age yet, and when they are we'll talk. I've been able to dodge the birds and bees conversation so far with this line, but we graze the topic every now and then.

6. Have them help you cook. I often bring my kids in the kitchen to help me. We usually bake so that I can show them the difference between measurements and how to follow a recipe. We're still working on cracking eggs without making a mess, but we'll get there.  

7. Let them order their meals while out. Whenever we take our kids out to eat we have them order their own meals. To me, this teaches them decision making skills and basically how to talk to people in a public setting. I can't stand when I hear teenagers mumble their way thru life. It makes me want to scream- Speak up! And get some act right!

8. Reassure them that they have a voice and its important to be heard. This kind of piggy backs off of the previous statement that kids need to know that what they have to say is important to, as long as they are respectable of other people. During our family meetings, my kids have the opportunity to have the floor and give their opinion about a new rule or offer plans for the next family game night. This gives them confidence in voicing their opinion and lets them know that they are valued. We will not just disregard them because they're kids.

9. Stop negative talk. Have you ever done something so dumb, that you literally say it out loud to yourself, "Girl, you dumb"? Well, it was a small habit I had to break when I heard my kids doing the same. Even though I would only say it to myself as a reminder to get it together, I didn't want them to internalize it as truth. Everybody makes mistakes, but talking negatively about ourselves or others is not allowed. 

10. Love them  unconditionally. This should be a given, but as parents we have to remember to love our kids thru the good and the bad. Thru the laughs, the tears, the good or bad grades, the hugs and eye rolls, we have to help guide them with love. 

Bonus- Let them go. I'm selfish with my kids. After many years of arguing gentle persuasion, I finally let my kids travel without myself or my husband. They went down South for NINE DAYS and I am anxiously waiting for their return. I know that they are kind, smart, no nonsense kids and they always have angels watching over them, so they are going to be just fine. It just took me a while to realize that I could never put their true independence to the test without giving them an experience to use it.  

So shout out to all the parents who are raising their kids to be independent, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Forever Loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,
Rhonda

Girl, let it go

 

When I tell y'all that God has been working on me the past few week-ends, I mean it. I feel physically and mentally drained from fighting against myself. But, since  I am absolutely sure that there's a blessing in the pressing I will continue to press on. 

Here's a little back ground. For the past few months my husband and I have been arguing like clockwork every Friday evening and basically ruining the whole weekend for everybody. I mean, it had been without fail. If we managed to slide thru Friday night unharmed, Saturday morning had something waiting on us. Why? Who knows. What would we argue about? Everyhing. Was it worth arguing about? Of course not. I remember one day being all hot and bothered and was waiting for him to come back home so I could give him a piece of my mind and for the life of me I couldn't even remember what I was originally mad about. That's when I realized it wasn't nothing but the devil.

I live for the weekends, especially Friday's and Saturday's because those would be our date nights. But, who wants to spend quality time with someone they arguing with? Not I. 

Lucky for me, I stumbled upon a book that was featured on the Bible app and it has been opening my eyes to the myths that we think are true about marriage and how to come to terms with dispelling them.

In addition to that, my church has started their Fight For The Family teachings again and they had a couple come in and tell their story at bible study. Listening to their story, I left really inspired to make my marriage work. Now, we are and always will be on #TeamStayTogether, but I had kind of excepted our relationship the way it was. In all transparency, sometimes it was just miserable. 

So I made the decision to just let it go. This is a hard thing for me y'all. I can not- not say what I am feeling. I tried it, it don't work. I am adult enough to admit that the reason why it doesn't work most of the time is because I'm not just trying to make a point, I'm trying to make THE point of all points in time. Ok, there I said it. But, I was determined to pass the test this time. 

I will admit, I failed the first time though. Long story short my husband popped a pimple on my sons forehead. Fact #1. This was his first pimple. Fact #2. I bought him a whole skin care line of stuff to start taking care of his face because I saw it coming. Why? Fact #3. I am a licensed skin care professional, hence the blog and former business. So I felt a certain kind of way about it. And in true Rhonda fashion I had to address it. That conversation went something like this:

Me: Why you do that to his face? You could have asked me about it first.

 

Him: If I want to pop a pimple on my son face, I'm gone pop a pimple on his face

 

.

Me: .....

 

Him: .....

 

After a 20 minute discussion, we finally concluded that all I was asking for was a little communication. 

If you come to a peaceful conclusion, that's called winning. Lol.

 

Most of the time when an argument happens over something so small and trivial, it's usually about a deeper situation. This one happened to be about the lack of communication, but instead of me going from zero to 100, I've been asking myself what I'm really mad about and if it's really worth the argument. 

I'm still a work in progress. Pray for me, y'all. 

What is something you struggle with in your marriage?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty, 

Rhonda

Under attack in my own home

 

My family is under attack.  We were busy living our lives and we ignored the signs. Deep down I knew it would happen eventually, but not to this magnitude. All I remember about the day it started are the screams, the terror and the fear. It was on a bright Tuesday morning that we realized that our peace of mind was being challenged and our lives would never be the same. It was on this day that spiders tried to overtake our home.

Anybody who knows me, understands my feelings towards bugs of any kind. I hate them. I have a physical reaction of fear whenever I see them and if I had it my way, they all would be dead. We had seen the warning signs: the weather was getting nicer, we were getting exterminator literature in the mail, and the biggest sign of all- we would cross paths with spider webs in our laundry room quite frequently. Maybe it was denial, or maybe I just didn't want to face the fact that we were going to have to one day acknowledge them and either let them take over or hand over the money to get the house sprayed. 

It really started Monday night when a huge black ant was crawling all over the top of my dresser. He was moving really fast over my books I had lined up in the storage compartment. I called my husband in to "take care of him", and he did, while also looking to see if any of his friends were lurking around. He was alone so that was the end of it, so we thought.

The next morning, while preparing breakfast for my family I spilled blueberries all over the floor. While I was sweeping them up, I saw a huge white spider amongst the fallen and I moved a couple to the side so that I could crush him under my feet. As I was emptying the blueberries into the trash can, my daughter let out a scream that was so terrifying that I thought that Michael Myers, Jason, Freddie and the killer clowns were all standing in my kitchen. I turned around and saw her pointing to the wall that separated the kitchen and the dinning room. The spiders must have heard about the ant going out by himself and decided to bring reinforcements. There he was, another huge white spider and he was angry. He saw what I had just done to his boy so he was frantic and running all over the place. He tried to get away and ran from the wall onto a tote bag that was in the corner of the dinning room. I still had the broom in my hand so without hesitation I swept him to the floor and stomped on him hard. I could feel his body being crushed through my flexible house shoe.

After I went to scrap the remains of the two dead bodies off my shoe into the trash bin I looked at my purse, which was located right next to the tote bag. I saw something there, but wasn't sure. My purse is blue and there seemed to be a beige spot on it. Or is it a shadow? The only light I had was the one from the kitchen, so I turned around, flicked on the light and stared back at another spider. He didn't run like the last one did. He just looked back at me. For about 5 seconds we just stared each other down, waiting for each other to make the move. I noticed my purse was open so I decided it was time to make a go for it before he decided to run towards it and hide out amongst my bank cards and lip gloss. I swept him to the ground too, and he received the same fate as his homies. They thought from past experience that if they came out in a group and triple teamed me that I was going to be scared and run. They thought they had a punk on their hands. But, they found out that when it comes down to protecting my babies, I am a savage and I will not back down until I get every. single. one.

So to the spiders, tell the rest of your family, your cousins the ants, the centipedes, the big fat rolley polley bugs I don't know the names for, and those insects with the pinchers on the end, I am not playing no games with y'all this year. You step up to me, you will get dealt with. I will not be defeated. This is your last and final warning. Oh, and sorry for your loss. #savage

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,

Rhonda

Edit note- At press time, the house had been exterminated by my husband who set off foggers instead of calling specialists due to being cheap high costs. 

Love and Marriage: 3 Signs That You Need Counseling

Marriage is hard, and anyone that tells you it's not, is a lie and the truth ain't in 'em. I didn't expect for marriage to be butterflies and romance on a daily basis, but I also didn't expect it to be emotional standoffs and hostage situations either.  With all the ups and downs of marriage, there may be times when you have to rely on a third party to help you get back on track. Seeing a marriage counselor can help you filter through better ways to stay on #TeamStayTogether.

So how do you know if your just going thru the flux versus needing to see a marriage counselor? Well, here are 3 sure tell signs that you and your mate need to sit on someone's big comfy couch.

1. You don't talk to each other. Nothing can breakdown a relationship like lack of communication. Not too long ago I had to rid myself of the habit of not talking to my husband when I was mad. I could go days with nothing but gestures and one word answers. But, I was reminded that holding a grudge was not helping or healthy.  

2. When you do talk to each other, you argue about the simplest things. I am a little ashamed to admit this, but my husband and I have had an all out, shouting/screaming match that started out over some fries. Yes, McDonald's fries are delicious, but they weren't worth all that, and obviously not the real heart of the matter. The fries were just the straw that broke the camel's back. Talking to a counselor can help you both clarify the real issues and how to fight fair.

3. Lack of affection, intimacy and sex. No affection + no intimacy = no fun. That is not the perfect formula for a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, I believe that if couples had sex more often they would be happier: with each other and with life in general. Sex is good in many ways, it's good for your health, it makes you feel confident and it creates a bond between the couple that is everlasting. Living in a sexless marriage, or a relationship that is lacking affection is not an ideal situation and should be looked into immediately. #HelloSomebody

Of course, there are many other reasons to see a marriage counselor (infidelity, trust issues, blended families, etc), but if your relationship is suffering from any of these above, you need to get it together and call someone quick. These hurdles just open the door for more problems.

Have you ever seen a marriage counselor? How did your relationship benefit from it?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda

30 Day Challenge-Days 15-18

Day 15- My Zodiac
I am a Libra and I have found that all the things that describe us Libra's is true. Here are some of the characteristics of a Libra that do describe my personality.
Attractive- Well, duhh.
Romantic- I have been known to have a few romantic tricks up my sleeve.
Charming- I am very spoiled and I like it that way. I have a way of talking my way into or out of just about any situation. If my mom hadn't told me how much she doesn't trust them, I probably would have been a lawyer.
Tactful- I am always a girl with a plan. I plan out my trips to the grocery store. I plan out vacations. Heck, I plan what I am going to sing when I get in the shower every day. No lie, I put on mini concerts. It's real out here.
Diplomatic- I hate to see injustice and will stand up for anybody being treated unfairly.
Balanced- I can't dwell in chaos. If there is drama- I'm out.
Detached- Although some Libras are said to be very expressive with their face, I am the queen of poker face. Nobody is going to know how I feel about something unless I want them to know.
Laid Back- When I met my cousins from down south a few years ago, they just kept saying, "you are just so cool, so chill". I have even been nicknamed by one of my fellow praise team members as Cool Breeze. I'll take it.
Overthinker/ Indecisive- It can take me days to make up my mind sometimes, especially when it is something that is going to change the course of my life. The funny thing is, my husband is a Libra too and he's worse than I am. Currently, we are trying to work on our deck and we have been looking at patio furniture. From just about every store in our neighborhood. Several times. Seriously, how hard is it to decide on some wicker chairs? Well, let us tell it and it's like deciding to relocate to another state. We'll figure it out eventually, I hope.
Self-Indulgent/ Lover of Beautiful Things- This is another area where my husband and I get in trouble, which is probably why we're having such difficulty buying patio furniture. We definitely can over do it sometimes because we like to have nice things. The way I see it, I work hard so since I don't play hard, I should at least be able to have a cute purse or some cute shoes every know and then. I rarely give myself the permission to just go for it, but when I do, baby watch out. On my last shoe splurge I had four pair walking through the door with me. I am currently on a spending diet... It was fun though.

 I follow a Libra board on Pintrest and find myself liking quite a bit. Here are some of my favorites.
    

  


Day 16- Something I say "What if" about
I was a complete and utter fool when I graduated college. I was 22 years old and the only thing I wanted was to be engaged. I didn't care nothing about the thousands of dollars I was going to have to pay Aunt Sally Mae or how I was going to get a job in my field (BA in Journalism). All I wanted to show was an engagement ring to replace the promise ring I had been wearing for 4 and a half years. I guess when you are in love, that's what you do.

I did eventually get that ring and got married and started having babies. But, the one thing I think about, especially today as I am not particularly loving my job and all I want to do is write for a living, is what if I would have followed the advise of one of my college professors and gone to work for a radio station in Ohio. Where would I be now? Would I have stayed there? Would my husband and I be together? Would I have parlayed my experience on radio to TV? Could I have been the next Oprah?

Of course, my mind races to think of all the things that coulda, shoulda, woulda happened, but I don't trip because I know that whatever is meant for me is for me. I'll get my Oprah status one day.

Day 17- Something That I am Proud Of
Out of all my accomplishments, earning a bachelors degree, starting my own business, having a successful marriage and wonderful kids to boot, I think one of the things that I am the most proud of is that I have a creative mind. My creative mind has gotten me through some rough spots in life, it's given me an outlet for my roller coaster of emotions. It has allowed me to experiment and find a love for things I never knew I would like and it has given me a way to heal and reflect on the things or people who have hurt me in the past and learn to let it go.

Currently, some of my creative outlets are: reading, writing, singing, sewing, painting, jewelry making, baking, and re-purposing old furniture. I also like to take pictures, but I don't get to play with my camera as much as I would like. I also see myself learning to play an instrument in the near future, but that too, is a work in progress. I used to play the piano and organ in high school, but those days of reading music are long gone and I just might have to start from scratch.

Until next time.

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda

Encouraging Daddy-Daughter Relationships

I'm proud to be a daddy's girl. My dad and I didn't always see eye to eye, especially when I came to the driving and dating age, but I could always count on him. When I was into sports, he was there for the games and the practices. He was in attendance for every recital and talent show, and he screened every boy who called the house. Before he passed away, he often gave me a heads up on men and how they act in marriage. Of course, he was right, so when things started to happen I was already prepared and was able to handle certain situations with a calm reserve. The advise he has given me through my lifetime has been immeasurable and I appreciate the relationship that we had. I could only hope that all girls get to have that relationship with their dads.

That's why I'm so glad that my daughter is a daddy's girl, too. Of course she's too young for deep life lessons, but the relationship that she and her dad share is setting the tone for the relationships she will have with men for the rest of her life. He understands the importance of it as well, and I was so proud of him when he took her to their first Daddy-Daughter Dance last week.

The week leading up to it he knew he had to do it right and wanted to not only show her a good time, but show her how a gentleman should treat a lady. They were dressed to the nines, he bought her a corsage (#DaddySwag) and actually did a little two step with her on the dance floor. (Believe me, that alone is huge for my slightly rhythmically challenged husband.) They both came back with big smiles on their faces, showing off pics and videos from the night.

I didn't even know that they still had events like this, but I'm glad that they do. This is one tradition that should never die. Dads all across the world should make it their mission to help nurture the relationships between their daughters. Your dad is supposed to be your protector, your teacher, your provider. Some would even say that your husband should reflect the relationship that you have with your dad.

So if he's was never present or active in your life, how do you know what to model that relationship on? There is no such thing as a perfect parent but, if you never even try to be that example in your child's life you've already failed.

Chime in! Do you believe that daddy-daughter bonds are important? What's the most memorable moment you've had with your dad?

Forever Loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,

Rhonda

My Summer in Photos

So, It's been a while since I posted, and since summer is officially over, I just wanted to catch you all up to the goings on of me and family this summer. Now is a good time to reflect on the fun we had.

1. Baby girl completed her hip hop class. Unfortunately for me, my phone had an attitude and would not record the video of their final performance. She said she likes hip hop better than ballet, so I'm trying to see if we can get her signed up again.

2. Hubby and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary with a nice dinner at one of my faves, Bahama Mama- their shrimp and grits gave me all my life. I also made an anniversary video...major brownie points were given.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOxz1l9fdQA&sns=em

3. Then we hit the road with our first family road trip. Despite the thirteen hour drive and the "survivor" type conditions the first night in town, our trip to Alabama was one for the memory books.

4. I went to the Women's Empowerment Expo and had a wonderful time. My friend and I did breakfast at a local bakery, met Zane (author of book turned into movie, "Addicted", and got to see Ayanya Vanzant dance down the isle.

5. We had our annual family picnic, complete with my higly requested cupcakes and our family obstacle course.

So that was my summer, how was yours?

Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids,
Rhonda

Happy 10th Anniversary!

Tomorrow is our 10th anniversary and I am so surprised happy that we made it this far. Our story is 20 years in the making, with many more to come. To commemorate this milestone, I made a video. Take a look and experience the best story ever told.





Forever loving my B.A.D.D. Kids (and My Husband),
Rhonda

My Life in Photos- June 2015

1. Talk about real life goals, this would be a true blessing. All shopping decisions I make are based on my budget, so not having to check the price tag or my account would definitely put me at success status. This quote is going on my vision board ASAP!

2. So somebody at Matel came up with the bright idea to put false lashes on Barbie. I don't know whether to say, "aww, they're cute" or "bye, Felicia!" While I love wearing lashes myself, that's not the image I want to put out to my daughter that she has to wear falsies to be beautiful. I already have to fuss at her about staying out of my makeup, I don't need to have to hide the lash glue, too.

3. I decided to get my Janell Monae on and try out this protective hair style. It was super easy, only took about 20 minutes to style and only $15 in braiding hair. All the questions and compliments about my hair skills have also made me rethink my future in styling natural hair. To be continued.

4. It was my daughter's birthday and as much as I tried to make her celebration a small, nothing special, with just ice cream and cake, the more the grocery and guest list grew. It also didn't help that it rained ALL day, but it was a good turn out and a great non-party if I do say so myself.

That was my week in review, how was yours?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty, 

Rhonda