Love and Marriage: Marriage Advice for #TeamStayTogether

This is a re-post, originally posted on April 24th, 2015. Enjoy!

As my husband and I come up on our 10th Anniversary, I can't help but think about our relationship when we first started out as newlyweds. We were the first of our friends to get married and all we had to go on was instinct and the advise of our parents and grandparents. Did we listen to them all, of course not, but I still wanted to share a few that are definitely worth sharing and incorporating into your relationship. #TeamStayTogether can be challenging, so I'm doing my part to keep hope alive.

1. Don't go to bed angry. It took me a long time to get with the program on this one. I thought there were only 2 options: 1- stay up to un-holy hours of the night arguing talking to my husband till we worked it out or 2- just shut it down and be mad that night and again all morning the next day. Then one day I realized that my beauty sleep and my sanity had taken too much of a beating and I learned 8 magical words: "We gone have to agree to disagree. Good-night." Will we discuss it the next day, probably. Will I worry about it at 10 o'clock at night- nope.

2. Kiss everyday. There is research out there somewhere that shows that kissing is good for you. It releases those feel good endorphins, amps up the romance and helps remind you of the reason you got together in the first place. You may not have time, or privacy for those teen-age makeout sessions, but make sure you smooch it out with your sweetie.

3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't nobody have time to argue over every little thing. Yes, I know you have asked your man a thousand times to replace the bag when he takes the trash out (one of my pet peeves), but when he doesn't don't trip. Just continue throwing the garbage in the can as if he did, so the next time when he has to empty and clean the can out, he'll make sure he replaces that bag. It's a little passive aggressive, but it beats fussing about it again. I'm just saying.

4. Say I love you everyday. I am not a very affectionate person. Don't know why, I'm just not, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized how much weight these 3 little words really carry. We can get on each other's last good nerve, not talk all day and roll our eyes when the other person talks, but at the end of the day "I love you" pretty much means that all is forgiven and everything is all right.

5. The 80/ 20 Rule for Relationships. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married put me up on this rule saying that in most healthy relationships, we only get 80% of what we want and it's in that search for the 20% that either drives us crazy or causes people to stray. Remembering that life is not perfect, and neither is your spouse will help you get things back into perspective.

6. Forgive and forget. It's nothing worse than having what I like to call the "forever" argument. This is when couples who have been together forever start bringing up stuff that happened forever ago just to make a point. You may have forgiven, but with that you have to at least pretend that you forgot. We are no longer allowed to bring up things that happened pre-marriage, pre-kids or pre-marital counseling. We try our best not to bring up things that happened last week, let alone last year. You know that you have truly forgiven someone when you don't use it and throw it up in their face.

7. Learn to live in the grey area. I can be very cut throat at times: you're either right or wrong, you're going to do it, or not do it, I either like you or I don't. I don't leave much room for interpretation. So, I had to learn that with marriage, everything isn't always black and white, we will not always agree, we will not always get along, there may be times where we just can't get it together. But, it's in those moments, when we are pushed to our limits that our faith in each other is tested and we come out the other end stronger than when we started.

Those are my tips, please share yours.

Forever Loving My B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

My Myers Briggs personality type

 

A few weeks ago I was obsessing on Pinterest like I often do, and I stumbled across a pin that talked about the Myers Briggs personality types and I was intrigued. I read about a few of the types and it didn't take me long to do a self analysis and figure out which one fit me.   

It was developed as a way to see how people perceive the world and make decisions. It is often used as a team building or self improvement excersise and since

I always to consider myself a work in progress, I decided to give it a go. 

So there are countless amounts of free online tests that you can take, just ask my homegirl Google (yes, she's a female cause we women know everything.) But, I decided to just answer based on the information I saw. 

There are 4 parts to it. The first part is about your interaction with the world: Do you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrevert? Introverts prefer to work alone or in small groups, where as extroverts love to be around a lot of people.

Introverts also focus on their thoughts, or inner world more. 

Introverts chose- I. Extroverts choose- E.

Part 2 is about how you absorb information. Intuitives can gather imformation, interpret with meanings and give it many possibilities. Sensory people use fact and details and see it as common sense.

Intives choose- N. Sensory choose- S.

Part 3 is about how you make decisions. Feelers make decisions based on how they feel. Thinkers make decisions based on logic. 

Feelers choose- F. Thinkers choose- C.

Part 4 relates to structure. Judgers tend to be organized and results orientated. Perceivers are multi taskers  and like to keep their options open. 

Judgers choose- J. Perceivers choose- P.

There are 16 available personality types and I determined that I am an INTP personality with the cheat sheet below. 

 
Nicknamed "The Professor", INTP's are inventive thinkers that thrive on being creative and unique. They make up only 3% of the population, according to my research and they are known for being honest, direct and intelectually curious. On the flip side, they are are also known as withdrawn, emotionally detached, and tend to second guess themselves so much that most of their projects never see the light of day.

Here are some other traits that INTP's have:

• Quiet and contained
• Analytical 
• Laid back
• Imaginative
• Explosive 
• Distrusting of others 
• Happier as freelancers and entrepreneur 

Oh my gosh, this is me. I had always wondered why I  would research something into the ground, come up with a good idea and then never follow thru. Or why I can pick out a lie with facts and details pulled and filed from previous conversations. Or why I have that "I got nothing" look whenever I'm put in a situation that would normally require emotions. It all makes sense to me now.

Of course, not all the descriptions are completely accurate, but it's interesting to know that there is a method to the madness. If you would like to learn about you personality type, please click here for more info. 

That's my personality type, what's yours?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,

Rhonda 

How to set goals and achieve them

 

It's May and we are almost at the mid way part of the year. When I think about the goals I set for myself and my family, I'm glad that I've accomplished a good portion of what I set out to do. I may have fallen by the wayside on some things, but the good news is, I still have time- and so do you.

I am a list maker. It is an obnoxious, yet necessary habit that I've had probably since college.  If I have to run errands, there's a list of places I need to go. I keep my my bi-monthly budget handy in list format in one of my many journals. And I dare not go to the grocery store without my list and meal plans for the week. My purse and journals are full of sticky notes with illegible words scrambled on them. List's make me feel organized and keep me on tract despite my self-inflicted distractions.

My list making is not only for errands, I feel that making lists of life goals are important as well. Whether it's something I want to do next week or next year, when I write it down, it makes it concrete. It makes it more than just something I said and turns it into an actual goal.  And when I break it down into attainable steps, it makes it easier to achieve, instead of this thing that is just looming out in the atmosphere. As they say, a goal without a plan is just a wish. So let me give you some real simple tips on how to set goals and actually achieve them.

Step 1: Figure out what you want and write it down.
Have you every had that "what do you want to eat conversation?" You know that your hungry, but don't know what you're hungry for. It seems simple, but sometimes we just don't know what we want in life. Just sit for awhile and think about the things that would improve your quality of life. Do you want a new job, or to lose weigh tor take that family vacation? Do you want to change your financial status or go back to school? No matter what it is, big or small, write it down. Whether it's something that you feel is attainable or is a one in a million chance of happening. Just by you writing it down, you are starting the process of the law of attraction. Those things that you put out in the atmosphere will be drawn to you.

Step 2: Break it down.
When I looked at my list of goals, I couldn't let it overwhelm me. One of the items on my list was to get in better shape. I know that I wasn't going to magically wake up and be several pounds down. There was going to have to be not only a plan involved, but some effort and sweat equity. So I had to break it down to baby steps. It looked something like this.

Get in shape!

1. Clean Eating- at least 80% of the time

      a. Cook more, no buying food at work
b. Take-out only on week-ends

2. Work out

a. Mon, Thurs, Sat

b. Cardio, weight train, yoga, dance

3. Less stress

a. Take time to read and meditate

b. Weekly facial or bougie bath on Sundays 

So after I practiced one step, I went on to the other. It didn't matter that it took me probably four months of eating better before I started working out. As long as I did it. Which brings me to the next step.

Step 3: Be consistent.

This is the part that most people struggle with. It's cool when you first start out and you're excited and on a mission, and then out of no where the magic fades and you don't feel as enthusiastic as you did when you first started out. So you slow down a bit, and casually make your way thru life and the next thing you know, you don't even actively work on your goal anymore. So this is where you have to be intentional about creating a good habit in your life. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit, so when I am trying to create good habits in my life, I trick myself into being addicted to that thing for 21 days in hopes that it sticks and stays in my way of life.  

Step 4: Reward yourself along the way.
Who says your hard work and effort has to go un-rewarded? Little victories should always be celebrated, if only to keep you motivated for the next celebration. Not that I needed outside approval to verify that my weight loss journey was working, but when people started to notice the change, I treated myself to some more weight loss equipment, I bought two yoga balls (different sizes) and some thigh slimmers for the #NoThunderThighs movement.

Step 5: Be okay with setbacks.
Of course, my plan to workout 3 times a week didn't always happen. There is always something going on in my life, so maybe I skipped a workout due to a choir rehearsal, or I had to take my kids somewhere, or maybe I just was too tired. It's okay if it doesn't go exactly as planned, the important thing is to get it together once things get back to normal.

The time is now to get out of your comfort zone. How can you see who you were destined to be if you're not willing to push yourself past your self-induced limits. Get it together, write it down and make it plain. I got yo back and I believe that you can do anything that you set your mind to.

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda 

Love and Marriage: 3 Signs That You Need Counseling

Marriage is hard, and anyone that tells you it's not, is a lie and the truth ain't in 'em. I didn't expect for marriage to be butterflies and romance on a daily basis, but I also didn't expect it to be emotional standoffs and hostage situations either.  With all the ups and downs of marriage, there may be times when you have to rely on a third party to help you get back on track. Seeing a marriage counselor can help you filter through better ways to stay on #TeamStayTogether.

So how do you know if your just going thru the flux versus needing to see a marriage counselor? Well, here are 3 sure tell signs that you and your mate need to sit on someone's big comfy couch.

1. You don't talk to each other. Nothing can breakdown a relationship like lack of communication. Not too long ago I had to rid myself of the habit of not talking to my husband when I was mad. I could go days with nothing but gestures and one word answers. But, I was reminded that holding a grudge was not helping or healthy.  

2. When you do talk to each other, you argue about the simplest things. I am a little ashamed to admit this, but my husband and I have had an all out, shouting/screaming match that started out over some fries. Yes, McDonald's fries are delicious, but they weren't worth all that, and obviously not the real heart of the matter. The fries were just the straw that broke the camel's back. Talking to a counselor can help you both clarify the real issues and how to fight fair.

3. Lack of affection, intimacy and sex. No affection + no intimacy = no fun. That is not the perfect formula for a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, I believe that if couples had sex more often they would be happier: with each other and with life in general. Sex is good in many ways, it's good for your health, it makes you feel confident and it creates a bond between the couple that is everlasting. Living in a sexless marriage, or a relationship that is lacking affection is not an ideal situation and should be looked into immediately. #HelloSomebody

Of course, there are many other reasons to see a marriage counselor (infidelity, trust issues, blended families, etc), but if your relationship is suffering from any of these above, you need to get it together and call someone quick. These hurdles just open the door for more problems.

Have you ever seen a marriage counselor? How did your relationship benefit from it?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Marriage Advise Worth Listening To

As my husband and I come up on our 10th Anniversary, I can't help but think about our relationship when we first started out as newlyweds. We were the first of our friends to get married and all we had to go on was instinct and the advise of our parents and grandparents. Did we listen to them all, of course not, but I still wanted to share a few that are definitely worth sharing and incorporating into your relationship. #TeamStayTogether can be challenging, so I'm doing my part to keep hope alive.

1. Don't go to bed angry. It took me a long time to get with the program on this one. I thought there were only 2 options: 1- stay up to un-holy hours of the night arguing talking to my husband till we worked it out or 2- just shut it down and be mad that night and again all morning the next day. Then one day I realized that my beauty sleep and my sanity had taken too much of a beating and I learned 8 magical words: "We gone have to agree to disagree. Good-night." Will we discuss it the next day, probably. Will I worry about it at 10 o'clock at night- nope.

2. Kiss everyday. There is research out there somewhere that shows that kissing is good for you. It releases those feel good endorphins, amps up the romance and helps remind you of the reason you got together in the first place. You may not have time, or privacy for those teen-age makeout sessions, but make sure you smooch it out with your sweetie.

3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't nobody have time to argue over every little thing. Yes, I know you have asked your man a thousand times to replace the bag when he takes the trash out (one of my pet peeves), but when he doesn't don't trip. Just continue throwing the garbage in the can as if he did, so the next time when he has to empty and clean the can out, he'll make sure he replaces that bag. It's a little passive aggressive, but it beats fussing about it again. I'm just saying.

4. Say I love you everyday. I am not a very affectionate person. Don't know why, I'm just not, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized how much weight these 3 little words really carry. We can get on each other's last good nerve, not talk all day and roll our eyes when the other person talks, but at the end of the day "I love you" pretty much means that all is forgiven and everything is all right.

5. The 80/ 20 Rule for Relationships. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married put me up on this rule saying that in most healthy relationships, we only get 80% of what we want and it's in that search for the 20% that either drives us crazy or causes people to stray. Remembering that life is not perfect, and neither is your spouse will help you get things back into perspective.

6. Forgive and forget. It's nothing worse than having what I like to call the "forever" argument. This is when couples who have been together forever start bringing up stuff that happened forever ago just to make a point. You may have forgiven, but with that you have to at least pretend that you forgot. We are no longer allowed to bring up things that happened pre-marriage, pre-kids or pre-marital counseling. We try our best not to bring up things that happened last week, let alone last year. You know that you have truly forgiven someone when you don't use it and throw it up in their face.

7. Learn to live in the grey area. I can be very cut throat at times: you're either right or wrong, you're going to do it, or not do it, I either like you or I don't. I don't leave much room for interpretation. So, I had to learn that with marriage, everything isn't always black and white, we will not always agree, we will not always get along, there may be times where we just can't get it together. But, it's in those moments, when we are pushed to our limits that our faith in each other is tested and we come out the other end stronger than when we started.

Those are my tips, please share yours.

Forever Loving My B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda