Why people are confused about feminism

I almost spit out my morning coffee Tuesday morning when I saw Amber Rose's pic. You know the one- where she was all greased up, laying on some stairs with her "lady hot pocket" on display. If you haven't seen it, you can ask my girl Google, she has plenty of versions for your viewing. Be careful though, it is NSFW (not safe for work.) Then of course, in true internet fashion, Instagram models from across the globe had to create/partake in the Amber Rose challenge by taking plants, leaves and faux furs and placing them strategically to resemble a hairy hot pocket. I got a lot of facial exercise that day as my eyebrows danced and my lips twisted in mere confusion.

I had questions. Ok, so why is she doing this? Why would anybody do this? I figured she was just trying to break the internet like Kim K was when she had that very unflattering greased up picture of her behind balancing a glass. But, when I read somewhere that she was doing this as a feminist and to empower women, I was even more confused because when I saw her nakedness, I did not think feminist. 

Now the Merriem-Webster dictionary defines feminism as the "theory of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes". Over the years, it has also been tied to the belief that government should not be able to tell a woman what to do with her body in regards to abortion rights and it is loosely responsible for the term "body shaming". Because of this term, it is finally unacceptable to judge a woman based on the shape of her body.

While I believe and totally support equal pay, equal rights and the right for a woman to choose what's medically best for her, I'm still not sure if I can wear the feminist lapel pin. I still believe in chivalry and that men should hold open doors and give up seats to women in gentlemanly fashion. And if I see another woman propose to a man, I will continue to roll my eyes in protest. Those things alone may take me off the list. So if I, a woman who writes about women and has a business that supports women is confused at what is truly means to be a feminist, I can see why people may confuse her efforts as a feminist movement.

I can't knock her hustle though. Amber Rose went  from stripper to video vixen, to a rappers girlfriend, to another rapper's ex-wife, turned entrepreneur and talk show host. I mean, the girl made a come up and I'm not mad at that. She coined the term "slut shaming" and started an annual Slut Walk to fight against it. Her supporters would say that they feel empowered by walking the streets of LA, scantily clothed as a group, letting people know that just because they are strippers or dress provocatively, they should not be treated with disrespect. I'm not mad with that either. But, lets just call it what it is. And let's all just admit that the  hashtag bring back the bush picture (her words, not mine) was just used for shock value and to create buzz about the next Slut Walk.

So here's more questions. Other than to demote slut shaming, what is the purpose of the Slut Walk? Is money raised to support other feminist movements or groups? Did they wear "I'm With Her" shirts to support our female candidate last year? Did they walk in their stilettos and fishnets down to local government offices and demand equal pay for women? Did any of the funds go toward Planned Parenthood? Unfortunately, because the way my life is set up I don't have the time or follow-thru to put my investigative journalism hat on to answer these questions, but I am going to say that there is a good chance that the answer to these questions is "no." So if that's the case, can we really call this a feminist movement?

Again, I support any woman who wants to put an end to body shamming and wants women to be proud and confident in themselves. But, in this world of over sharing I don't think that showing your naked body is the way to go. There are so many ways to be tasteful on these here internets and to promote positive body image. That wasn't it. Katie Hopkins, who is a writer for DailyMail.com said it best when she advised Amber Rose by saying, "Command attention with your clothes on. Save your naked skin for eyes you can look into." If that ain't a message that all young women need to hear, I don't know what is.

While Amber Rose's self confidence and positive body image leaves nothing for the imagination, for me she does not represent a symbol of empowerment. What are your thoughts? Did she go too far, or do I have it all wrong?

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda

Love and Marriage: Marriage Advice for #TeamStayTogether

This is a re-post, originally posted on April 24th, 2015. Enjoy!

As my husband and I come up on our 10th Anniversary, I can't help but think about our relationship when we first started out as newlyweds. We were the first of our friends to get married and all we had to go on was instinct and the advise of our parents and grandparents. Did we listen to them all, of course not, but I still wanted to share a few that are definitely worth sharing and incorporating into your relationship. #TeamStayTogether can be challenging, so I'm doing my part to keep hope alive.

1. Don't go to bed angry. It took me a long time to get with the program on this one. I thought there were only 2 options: 1- stay up to un-holy hours of the night arguing talking to my husband till we worked it out or 2- just shut it down and be mad that night and again all morning the next day. Then one day I realized that my beauty sleep and my sanity had taken too much of a beating and I learned 8 magical words: "We gone have to agree to disagree. Good-night." Will we discuss it the next day, probably. Will I worry about it at 10 o'clock at night- nope.

2. Kiss everyday. There is research out there somewhere that shows that kissing is good for you. It releases those feel good endorphins, amps up the romance and helps remind you of the reason you got together in the first place. You may not have time, or privacy for those teen-age makeout sessions, but make sure you smooch it out with your sweetie.

3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't nobody have time to argue over every little thing. Yes, I know you have asked your man a thousand times to replace the bag when he takes the trash out (one of my pet peeves), but when he doesn't don't trip. Just continue throwing the garbage in the can as if he did, so the next time when he has to empty and clean the can out, he'll make sure he replaces that bag. It's a little passive aggressive, but it beats fussing about it again. I'm just saying.

4. Say I love you everyday. I am not a very affectionate person. Don't know why, I'm just not, but it wasn't until I got married that I realized how much weight these 3 little words really carry. We can get on each other's last good nerve, not talk all day and roll our eyes when the other person talks, but at the end of the day "I love you" pretty much means that all is forgiven and everything is all right.

5. The 80/ 20 Rule for Relationships. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married put me up on this rule saying that in most healthy relationships, we only get 80% of what we want and it's in that search for the 20% that either drives us crazy or causes people to stray. Remembering that life is not perfect, and neither is your spouse will help you get things back into perspective.

6. Forgive and forget. It's nothing worse than having what I like to call the "forever" argument. This is when couples who have been together forever start bringing up stuff that happened forever ago just to make a point. You may have forgiven, but with that you have to at least pretend that you forgot. We are no longer allowed to bring up things that happened pre-marriage, pre-kids or pre-marital counseling. We try our best not to bring up things that happened last week, let alone last year. You know that you have truly forgiven someone when you don't use it and throw it up in their face.

7. Learn to live in the grey area. I can be very cut throat at times: you're either right or wrong, you're going to do it, or not do it, I either like you or I don't. I don't leave much room for interpretation. So, I had to learn that with marriage, everything isn't always black and white, we will not always agree, we will not always get along, there may be times where we just can't get it together. But, it's in those moments, when we are pushed to our limits that our faith in each other is tested and we come out the other end stronger than when we started.

Those are my tips, please share yours.

Forever Loving My B.A.D.D. Kids (and my Husband),
Rhonda

My natural hair routine- wash day

 

Don't you hate when you watch a YouTube hair tutorial and they say "oh, I'm gonna show you this simple wash routine," and then they proceed to use 6 or 7 products during the video? Well, I'm probably going to do the same thing. Sorry, but as much as I've tried to simplify my routine and life, I have to listen to my hair cause she can be down right savage if I don't treat her right.

So, this is my fail proof hair care routine for my wash days.

 

1. Pre-poo and detangle. 

I choose to put a protein/ cholesterol treatment or hair mask on my hair prior to shampooing for two reasons- one my hair usually needs it since I only wash it once every 1-2 weeks and two, once I'm out the shower there is no going back in to rinse anything out. Ain't nobody got time for that.

So I spray my hair down with water and aloe Vera juice and distribute my treatment, which right now is Queen Helene's, an oldie but a goody. As I distribute I gently detangle with my fingers and twist up about 10-12 sections in my head and let it sit for 20-30 minutes.

2. Shampoo and condition.

Yes, I shampoo. My hair wants no parts of a co-wash (using conditioner as a wash) situation. While my hair is still twisted up, I rinse the treatment out and shampoo my hair still in sections. Why do I do that? Because the main point of shampooing is to cleanse the scalp and its easier for me to get to my scalp when hair is still parted. Current shampoos in rotation are Shea Moisture and Cream of Nature, while I mini-deep condition with Beautiful Textures.


3. Styling.
After my hair has been washed and conditioned, I put my current leave-in staple- Shea Moisture Black Jamaican Castor Oil Leave-in and seal it in with more Jamaican Black Castor Oil with Amla, which is good for the scalp. My styling technique does change from week to week, depending on my mood. I like to do different things to my hair but, my go-to style is a flat twist and curl. Using either Elasta QP's Design Foam or my homemade flaxseed gel (recipe below), I flat twist my hair upwards in the front and down in the back and secure it with gray perm rods. I sleep in them overnight, or wear a scarf while running errands during the day, and take down and fluff when they are dry.

 Flax Seed Gel Recipe
1. 2 cups boiling water in saucepan. Add 1/4 cup whole flaxseeds. Boil until white film is floating on top of pan, approximately 5-8 minutes.
2. Strain into mason jar or other heat proof container. Let cool for about 2 minutes.
3. Add 4-5 capsules of Vitamin E and 5-6 drops of essential oil of choice. I use lavendar and lemon grass. Stir with wooden spoon or stick. Store in refrigerator, should last 3-4 weeks.

I hope my routine wasn't too overwhelming for any newbies that may be reading this, but the important thing to remember with natural hair is to just do what your hair likes. Sometimes you know right away when a product doesn't work and sometimes products that used to work loose it's power factor once your hair gets used to it. Do you have any staple products your think I should try?
































Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda