May is Mental Health Awareness Month- My Personal Story

Mental Health Awareness Month is an opportunity to make people aware of the identification factors and intervention tools for those who suffer from mental health conditions. According to mentalhealthawareness.net, 1 in 5 American adults will suffer from a mental health condition in any given year, but only 41% will actually get help.

This is part 1 of a 3 part series I'm doing this month about mental health. I originally thought about writing a post about mental health and depression back in December when I heard the news about natural hair company Miss Jessie's co-founder Titi Branch died by suicide. It reminded me that no matter what incredible thing is happening in someones life, no one knows what's really going on at home. I thought she had it all: she was a beautiful and smart lady, she ran a successful business with her sister and it seemed that there brand was all about self confidence and embracing the natural you thru your curls. But, obviously there was something deeper that burdened her.

It's not something that I talk about, and actually the only person that really knows I was going thru something at that time was my husband, who was then my boyfriend. During my first year of college I went thru a period of depression. I had a real hard time adjusting to college life- I cried all the time, I was lonely and I lost weight- enough that per my mom, my grandmother wanted to pull me out of school. I had never been a person who couldn't make friends, but I just felt lonely. And no shade to my friends and family but my interpretation of their support was lacking. I wound up coming home almost every weekend because I just couldn't stand the isolation. I don't know what shifted and took me from being my normally head strong and confident self.

I kept my depressive state mostly to myself because it wasn't anything that I felt was clinical. I was still able to go about my daily grind, but it was after my classes, after whatever rehearsal or meeting I had and in those night hours of solitude that I had lonely moments. I did go to a dark place and it was hard for me to think positive. I wondered what's the point of all this if I have to do it alone. 

My saving grace was that I was in activities on campus that kept me focused on the good things in life. I was able to help plan events for our school through the activities committee and I increased my faith while singing in the gospel choir. I had to learn to love me first so that I can be available to receive love from others.

Unfortunately, I did go through this again in more recent years. The last time I felt this way was after my 30th birthday. I felt like I was living somebody else's life and I was questioning all the decisions I had made in my life.  I was the mother of two small children, my marriage was holding on by a thread, my business was not doing well and there were some days where I just couldn't even get out of bed. I felt like there would be no end to my misery, I once again felt lonely and overwhelmed and unappreciated. And like always I went on like nothing was wrong. 

So what did I do? Eventually, I seeked out help. I once again joined a choir and became a faithful member of my church, my husband and I received marriage counseling and even though I did wind up closing my business, at least I can say I had one. For me, it was just about forward movement and keeping this thing called life going, no matter what road blocks came. I also had to learn that if I let the actions, or in-actions of those around me dictate how I felt, then my self- worth wasn't where it needed to be. It all starts and ends with me.

For help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 or go to crisiscallcenter.org.

Wishing you Love, Peace and Soul Deep Beauty,
Rhonda